Choices

you pays your money, you takes your chances

 We are born,  we contend, we  live, we age, we are visited by various afflictions, and then it all ends. The common refrain is that we have no choice in the matter, unless, of course, we end our own lives, which is not something I would ever contemplate. But even with the best of care, all sorts of events befall us. We have no choice.

 Or do we? Imagine sitting on your porch, or in your kitchen, and something, maybe a movement, maybe a change in the ambient light catches your eye. And there it is, a thick sort of package, looking like it has a good fifty pages, all contained in a brown envelope. You see your own name on the front, but no return address. Curious thing, that. But you open it up, out of curiosity.

 First page has your name, date and place of birth, and the precise time local time, which is unusual. It also includes the names of both your parents, your mother`s maiden name especially. Somebody knows you very well indeed.

 Past the first page you find the beginning of a form, and it’s quite a long form. It begins by describing your current state of health, your past surgeries, medications if any. You are intrigued, especially since you don’t know where this came from. Now you start the form proper.

 You are asked, politely but firmly, to choose one item from the following section, titled Ailments, Non-life -threatening. There are nerve conditions, mental issues, auto-immune issues, such as arthritis, and the list is depressingly long. Again, these conditions will not lead directly to your demise, but they are not pleasant either. A footnote at the end of this section draws your attention to this fact, and also that different people will react differently to the identical affliction.

 It is entirely permissible to choose “none of the above” as your choice, and in that case you arrive at the second section, the much feared Life-threatening conditions. Most of which are well known. Cancer, heart ailments, stroke of one kind or another. Some are more obscure, but those so afflicted will become quite familiar with, and even expert in that particular field. Concentration and focus can be marvellous in these situations.

 There is a subsection titled “untimely ends” comprising things like auto accidents, robbery attempts ( successful and otherwise), misadventure ( falling off an unstable ladder while changing a lightbulb, in plain English, or falling off a cliff while on tour, which has its own appeal), plus the odd and self-inflicted wound of being on the losing end of a lover`s triangle. On the other hand, this may seem charming in its own way. After, living on the edge and not staying in a closed room, or not dying in bed means you, the one filling out this form, will be fully alive to the last instant on this earth. They won’t play it safe and take an assigned number in God`s Waiting Room.

 But what if you say, no, this whole business is unappealing. Get me out of this movie. What then?

 Well, then you land on the last page, and there is only one page. And the demise will be random. Of course, if you sneak a look at the very bottom of the form, or whatever it is, you will se a disclaimer. Management reserves absolute discretion to choose the end it feels fitting. It will take note of your choice, or your fear of actually making a choice, and do entirely as  seen fit. You may be confronted by any single ailment, or outcomes, or any combination thereof. The laugh, as they say, is on you. Nobody ever said that the house (House) plays fair.  Fear of heights? You may take a wrong turn in your tour of Norway, which you always wanted to see, and find your car giving you a spectacular, if perilous view of a fjord. A mixed blessing, you might say.

On the other hand, you may spend that time considering what you missed by playing it safe all those years. In a perverse way, misadventure may be the greatest adventure of all provided that you don’t actually cash in while changing your own lightbulb while standing on a chair in your own house.

Of course, random choice still includes those random afflictions, such as heart issues, Parkinson’s, gout and the rest. So again, a misstep from a precipice does have a certain appeal. You cheat the nursing home and the nanny. You  fill out the form just for fun, and leave it on your doorstep, as per instructions.

In the morning it’s gone.

 Of course, this is all a satire. We really don’t get much of a choice.

 But I’ll still check my mail.